I woke up again in a low mood. But as I said before, the beginning does not determine the end. I have private things going on. The biggest thing is that a huge relationship is in limbo--it has been, on and off, for eight or nine years. It's wearing.
Another issue is that I have been taking the longest time to go to sleep. It's been like around 3:00 in the morning for the last 2 or 3 days. Fortunately, I have not been exhausted on most days. But I fret about it and keep trying to bring it under control. But you can't force your body to go to sleep even though there is a lot you can do to encourage it.
I'm trying to remember why my mood was low this morning. I started this book yesterday, Finding Ultra: Rejecting Middle Age, Becoming One of the World's Fittest Men, and Discovering Myself. I found the title itself very inspiring since I am trying to become fit(ter) at an older age.
This man was an athlete as a young man, then entered into severe alcoholism for a number of years. I was in the middle of that when I fell asleep, and it probably affected my mood somewhat. I was frustrated because of my sleep patterns and also thinking about company we are having at the end of the week. I can't remember what else was on my mind--probably just this feeling like some negative things would never change.
Things quickly went uphill right after I got up. (I didn't even try to make it to church.) I weighed first, and I had dropped another couple of pounds! My FitBit shows over a 9-pound loss during these 21 days. That is amazing! According to my WW app, I'm down around 25 pounds from when I last joined in July, 2019. I lost 36 pounds by March, 2020, then quit trying when the pandemic hit and gained back 15-16 pounds. So being down again to 25 is very encouraging. First goal is to get back to that 36 pounds weight loss, and then forward!
I think a big reason I'm doing so well is getting in the 10,000 steps most days.
I even put on a shirt today that I have not worn in a very long while, and it fit fairly well. Showed my rolls a bit, but I didn't go out so didn't worry about it.
I also kept reading the Ultra book all day. When he was describing in detail his recovery in a 12-step program, and how he let loose of control and his will and surrendered it over to God, a lot of really cool things started happening in his life. It reminded me that I don't know what I don't know. But God does. And I must continue to trust and have faith even when it seems like I'm stuck in limbo forever.
I suddenly had the desire to get back into Al-Anon again. I remember back in May, 2011, I joined and worked hard on the program for about 14 months. I felt like I was in a good enough place and decided to quit going. Right now, though, it's so obvious how much of my life is out of my control, and I'm praying today about going back and seriously dedicating myself to this again. The 12-step program is a spiritual program. Followed seriously, it will help me keep my focus where it should be.
I haven't wanted to be around most people for the longest time; and I actually felt the desire today to pick up on some of those relationships in the group again. It was so encouraging to actually feel a desire rise up in me.
I've been rebuilding my life (well, trusting God to rebuild my life) this time partly by refusing to push or force myself into doing stuff that my heart is not into. Or stuff that I just feel obligated to do. That led me into such major burnout. I'm learning to be led into life, not forced. It's been so gradual, but desires are beginning to rise up in me. I have to trust God and trust the process.
I started by getting back to church a little. And then I got my hair cut and highlighted again after months and months. Last year I had the desire to do the Keto program for five months. This year, I felt ready to get back to Weight Watchers. I had not quit, just had to get back on track. About a month ago, I was ready to take back over the household chores. And then I began desiring to get in better shape and really strengthen my body.
Little by little, my heart is waking up to some kind of life.
One spark that really got lit today (on top of getting back into recovery) was modifying my diet even more. I mentioned before that I had wanted to try both the Keto and the plant-based diet to compare them. The man in this book, Rich Roll, went on a complete plant-based diet, and the change in him was sudden and drastic! I had already decided that I wanted to greatly increase the vegetables and fruits in my diet; and after reading this book, I am becoming even more determined.
I started Keto in one day. Jake decided he wanted to do it, too; so that made is easier. We even purged the kitchen--we were that serious. With plant-based, I think I need to move in that direction, but not necessarily do it all in one day. For instance, today I started with fruit in the morning (a banana and an apple). Later I had a bowl of chicken tortilla soup. It does have chicken breast in it, but it has tomatoes, corn, black beans and potatoes in it also. This evening I had some stir-fry vegetables over rice. I also had a peanut butter sandwich this afternoon. So it was actually all plant-based except for the chicken.
I have seen such drastic turnarounds in other people's lives. I have just doubted that I could stay with something like that. But today, I want to believe that I can! A very good thing about this diet is that the more I can do it the better. All or nothing would be the "best," but every change made is going to benefit me. With Keto, it's all or nothing because the diet is based on producing ketones in your body. If you cheat, no ketones.
I got in my 10,000 steps again and jogged 11 minutes, along with some pushups and squats. We have a cold front coming in right now. It was 102 degrees today (insane!), but the high tomorrow will be in the low seventies. It will be windy, but decreasing during the day, so hopefully I can take a long walk outside.
I'm not going to try to go to sleep until very late, and hopefully, I will fall asleep fairly easily.
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