Back On

 So I've done what I planned, which was to be back on track on Monday.  Yesterday (Sunday), I tracked calories all day, coming in around 1500.  I really wanted it to be less since I had misbehaved, but 1500 was fine.  

I noticed yesterday that I really had too many calories earlier in the day, which makes it very hard in the evening.  Jake wanted to pick up lunch, and I chose the fish at Chicken Express; but even though it is a good WW choice for fast food, it still made the evening much harder to keep my calories in check.  

Today, I purposely conserved my calories for later in the day.  At the moment, I only have 775, and plan to eat my 240-calorie pb sandwich before bed, which will come to 1015 calories.  I really wanted a low-calorie day to feel like I am making a strong restart.

When I think about taking a whole week off in my plan, it seems ridiculous now.  I didn't plan to take that much time off; one day just turned into another and then 7 days in all.  It's those times that really derail my progress, or at least, greatly slow it down.  On the brighter side, my times off can be weeks or months, so one week is really good in that regard.  But wouldn't it be awesome if I can keep those days off at just 1-3 days instead?!

Surprisingly, I did get on the scale yesterday.  I wanted to see how much damage I had done.  I was actually pleasantly surprised that I had gained very little.  I think that probably, though, I had a couple of pounds lost that didn't show up yet and then were regained.  

Here's hoping I will learn my lessons thoroughly and get wiser on this journey!

As far as exercise, that will take another day or so.  I did charge up my FitBit, which had died; so that's a start, lol.

In losing weight, I am seeking to find those issues in my life that cause me to overeat--whether bad habits, emotional and relationship issues, spiritual issues.  Right now, I am slowing working through a book titled, Practicing the Presence of People.  The author was a bigtime recluse in his younger days, actually didn't like people.  As he grew spiritually, he began to fall in love with the human race.  Out of his journey, came this book.

In one chapter, "The Answer to All Problems," he says,

". . . . we are lost in a forest of relationships--or more precisely, nonrelationships.  We may think our problems have to do with finances, work, health, [weight], or something else.  But our real problem is people.  Problems do not have abstract, philosophical solutions.  The answer to each problem is a person.

Most of us try to solve our problems without recourse to relationships.  We search and search for a diet that will work, a job that will satisfy, a method for overcoming insomnia, a secure and happy place to live.  Of course, we'll admit we have people problems, too, but we'll never quite do what it takes to resolve these.  By trying to locate the answers in ourselves rather than in healed relationships, we stop short of achieving real peace.

That's a lot of food for thought.  Though I am not 100% sure that this quote is true in every single [minor] instance, it definitely applies with weight loss.  Maybe one of those relationships is my relationship with myself.   

But it's motivated me to be more pro-active concerning my issues with people.  Today, I felt like God was reminding me that even though I "think" I don't want to be with others, that when I am actually with other positive and affirming people, I love it in the long run.  It can be a struggle at first, but eventually, I grow to thrive in it.

I have been having a bit of trouble thinking of who I actually want to be around, which I realize is not a healthy place to be if I am actually thinking like that.  I was writing the other day about going back to Al-Anon.  (I don't have alcoholics in my life.  It is just so helpful learning to live life.)  People in 12-step programs dare to tread in the gut-wrenching issues of life--issues that the majority of people avoid.  I can always be assured that these people will "get" me.  They will not be shocked or horrified, regardless of what my issues are.  

Tonight, I picked up my phone and called one of the members who I had grown close to.  I haven't talked to her in a couple of years, since right before my "dark hole."  We were catching up, and I told her about what these last two years were like.  We are getting together Wednesday night for coffee. By the way, meetings have just started up again today!  So I can begin to attend meetings again.  

I was going back and forth the last couple of weeks on this decision; and now that I called A. and talked, I am so glad I did!  I already feel much better about life and some kind of plan to get in a better place emotionally, relationally, and spiritually.  I will be started afresh with Step One!  

That's enough for today.  Maybe I will actually exercise tomorrow!